Once upon a time...

A little shit Princess was born on April 21st, 1985.
"She is the ugliest Princess in all the land" thought her older, wicked cousin.
"She's got a HUGE birthmark on her face, and who would think that's cute?" said Wicked.
As it turned out, the "birthmark" was the ink used to mark the little shit's hands and feet and the little shit already being vain was touching her face (with inked hands) knowing she would be a beauty.
The Princess was doted on continuously, especially by Wicked's father. Wicked did not find that endearing nor amusing. Wicked was downright JEALOUS.
Wicked was told not to pick the Princess up by any means, yet Wicked found ways (pretending to hang out with Princess) and made sure that no one knew. She would always get her back into her crib or playpen without anyone noticing (The Princess thought it was fun to fly through the air into her crib/playpen).
Then one day a frizzy haired freak walked into Wicked's life and fell IN LOVE with the Princess and promised to take care of her and protect as if she were her own baby. Freak also had a brother (hair not as frizzy because it was short) who agreed with Wicked and thought that the Princess wasn't that great. They would taunt and tease her (Princess took it all in stride which annoyed the girl/boy duo) and even though the freak would not like it- she would participate every now and again as well.
So, one day, brother dared the Princess (now 2 years old) to do a doo on her bedroom floor (carpeting all around) and Princess cleared a nice spot by the bedroom door and let it go. The trio was in shock (Wicked being 11, Freak 10, and Brother 9 at this point) staring at Princess' mess while Princess had a shit eating grin on her (much to Wicked's chagrin) adorable face (no sign of inkmark). The trio's parents were not amused (must have laughed uproariously behind closed doors) and ordered the older kids to clean it up while the Princess ate a cookie or ice cream or some other kind of treat.
Same goes for the time she pooed in her bath and screamed like it was an Anaconda coming for her. Oh how the trio laughed and laughed and laughed.
Such was the case from then on after the Princess would raise hell (then eat a treat) and the kids would be blamed for whatever crime the Princess had committed. Wicked and the Brother would constantly be reprimanded by the parents (sometimes by the Freak as well) for upsetting the Princess. They thought it was unfair that the Princess would be left with them while the parents shopped. She was a pain and a snitch and a brat and a mean little bugger. They had no use for her in their "playing outside" world. If they wanted to go to the store and get beef jerky, she had to go as well. If they wanted to hang out at the park, she had to hang out as well.
But Wicked bore the brunt of the Princess' evildoing. Princess would fall down and lay the blame on Wicked, saying that Wicked pushed her! When Wicked was in another Borough! She dropped Freak's dad's birthday cake because she was a greedy little pig and wanted to lick it and blamed Wicked for it! When Wicked was in another Borough!
Brother also tried to ward off the evil little Princess by putting posters up of Freddy (Nightmare on Elm Street) on his bedroom door. Princess used to enjoy poking around in there like the little spy/nosy/greedy/lying (she was building up quite a resume)/conniving/little shit that she was. One look at the poster, though, and Princess would run as fast as her spindly legs and buddha belly could carry her.
So, Wicked, Brother, and Freak (she helped!) devised a plan to catch the Princess in her deceipt. They took out their AWESOME radio (no, not awesome) and decided to record the Princess admitting to all that she had done. They knew that she would lie had they asked her the real questions, so they asked her questions which her answers would work to their advantage.

They allowed for some tape to run before asking:

• Princess? do you like candy? press record... "yessssss!" (insert lisp)

More tape:

• Princess? do you like chocolate? press record... "yessssss!" (lisp)

Tape:

• Princess? do you like ice cream? "" ""... Obvious answer

So, after getting the answers they needed (say it, don't spray it, Princess) the trio entered their own questions:

RECORD:

• Princess? did you lie about Wicked pushing you when she was in Manhattan and you were in Queens? tape ran (not so smoothly) into lisped "yessssss!" HA!
• Princess? did you drop Freak's and Brother's dad's birthday cake? tape..."yesssss!!!" SWEET!

3rd "yes!" was for the satisfaction of knowing that the Princess was too clueless to know the score and that she was about to go DOWN..."yes!!!!!!!!!"!

All was ready for the parents to HEAR THE TRUTH once and for all. Roll Tape!

The trio slinked back, tails between their legs, into their rooms as the parents laughed and laughed and laughed.

Unfortunately, one day the Princess was rocking out to some awesome kids' show on TV on her rocking chair and slammed her head on the corner of the glass coffee table and was hurt quite badly. She bled everywhere and was in so much pain that the trio actually felt sorry for her (Freak almost had a heart attack it was so bad). UNTIL, she formed a scab. The scab was on her scalp EXACTLY where Damian from "The Omen" had his! 666! She was worse than ever!

Brother was starting to worry... For his life! The trio had found a picture of the Princess staring at Brother from the corner of her beady little (almond shaped- gorgeous) eyes with a grin even worse that the patented shit eating grin she used so often. It was pure E V I L. Brother was doomed. He was going to be killed by the Princess on June 6th, When the Princess was SIX! 666!

The Trio waited around anxiously for what would happen to Brother on that fateful day. Brother kept as far away from the Princess as possible. He lived. And so did the E V I L.

However, the Princess was taken away to another land far, far away. She developed an accent. She grew. The trio hadn't seen her in a long time. The princess' mom and dad returned for a brief visit and called to check in on her. Oh how the trio laughed at her foreign accent as she cried "Oh mommy, I miss you so much I want to cry (insert middle eastern accent)".

One day Wicked's mom dragged her to see the Princess and family in this far away land. The Wicked sure was ugly at this point, having no real eyebrows and braces, and had to deal with the Princess for 10 days straight! Could things get any worse? Yes, especially when the Princess told Wicked she smelled like diarrhea. However, something changed. Wicked and the Princess got along! They had fun together (W-16 yrs old.- P- 7 yrs old)! And they C R I E D and H U G G E D as Wicked was returning to her home. They fell in love with one another and it has been a beautiful relationship since (except for when they fought a few dozen times afterward).

The Princess had gone to visit Cool (as she was at that point) and felt her leg up in the middle of the night. Cool took the Princess to a scary movie. The Princess was scared and figured that scaring the living shit out of Cool would be a good way to get her attention.

Now the Princess is in College. She has grown up into a beautiful young woman (although, she never had an ugly stage, so she was a bitch as well). She looks nothing like her baby pictures, but is still the baby of the family. She and Cool and Freak chat everyday. It is safe to say that they get great enjoyment out of it (unless Cool is fighting with one of them). Cool and Freak love love love the Princess and are extremely proud of her. Freak has been deigned the Princess' mommy and Cool has been deigned the lesbian -Princess wanting cousin. Cool just wants to know that she loves the Princess with all of her heart and couldn't ask for a better doppleganger (her double you idiots). And that she DOES NOT want to date her.

THE END?

Happy Birthday baby. I love you.