Therapy....

Honestly, I should be seeing a therapist. I have issues. Issues with food (mmmm...cashews), my body, guys, girls, life! You name it, I've got an issue with it. I try to be my own therapist sometimes and that is not the best idea, so I usually count on my friends for advice and pretty much rely on their help- even though I don't usually put it to use...sorry Brain. I have been to therapy before and it usually consisted of me SCREAMING at my mother (when she sat in on the sessions) about my life, weight issues, and most of all my sister. My mother is my rock and my punching bag and I know that she will always be there for me. I can honestly say that she is the BEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD. And I want to apologize to that amazing woman for all the shit she has put up with. But I think that I am changing. I am growing. I make the same mistakes sometimes but I am aware of them now. I am trying. i am smiling more and crying less. And this is how I think a therapy session would go for me these days...

Therapist: Hi, D, welcome.
D: Hi, nice to meet you. (I am so polite)
T: You as well. So, what brings you here today?
D: I need therapy.
T: Well, yes, I understand that, but what is it that you think you need help with?
D: Ummm... Everything?
T: Ok, well what would you like to discuss first? What is going on in your head?
D: (thinking my hair is soft) First? Hmmm... I am working on myself.
T: Oh? Well, what are you working on?
D: Everything.
T: Could you narrow it down a bit?
D: Ok. Well, work is going very well. And I am extremely please with the way things have worked out. My employer is so kind and generous, that sometimes I just want to pinch him to see if he's real. Or myself for that matter, because I have had some shitty employers in the past (excuse my language).
T: That's great! Not many people can say that!
D: No, and I have thanked him for taking care of my taxes for me. That was really scary. I wrote him a thank you card, thanking him for being such a generous and kind person and for helping me. And that I count myself lucky (is that correct american speak?) for having such a great job and employer. And he wrote on the back of the card... "all my thanks, you're the best" My chest puffed up to double its size (boobs out to here-inches away) out of pride. But, of course, he still gets ornery, but that's ok because he's My ornery old fart and I love him.
T: That's great!
D: Yeah...
T: What else?
D: (thinking my hair is so soft) Well, I think I'm kind of seeing someone.
T: Hmmm... How's that going?
D: I don't know (BIG SMILE- blushing) It's fun...
T: You seem pleased.
D: He knows the crazy and accepts it and actually says that it can be sexy...
T: It sounds like he accepts you
D: (LOL, leg jiggling rapidly up and down) ...
T: Well, are you ok with it?
D: I think so. He makes me laugh. And we're friends. And he knows things about me that other guys wouldn't because he was my friend before we hooked up- so there are no pretenses there. He has seen me at my craziest and still thought that we would eventually hook up and I just don't get it.
T: What do you mean?
D: Well, there was this one time (in band camp) when my ex and I were arguing and I was being a little dramatic and wanted to walk home (MILES!) and he tried stopping me by picking me up by my backpack. He's 6'6" and I am 4'11" so I was dangling in the air trying to get him to put me down and my friend-the guy now- was watching and laughing. It was humiliating.
T: That is a little wild.
D: Yeah, and so everyone thinks I'm crazy, especially him.
T: How so?
D: Well, I lose my shit easily.
T: You're emotional... that's not necessarily crazy.
D: Oh no, you haven't seen my emotional meltdowns!
T: Well, can you control them?
D: Not really, but my best friend can.
T: She sounds very supportive.
D: Not really. She's like a drill sergeant. But I love her.
T: So, he accepts your emotional "meltdowns"?
D: I guess so. He had a tough week at work and I was really moody so I thought that maybe he didn't like me and I wanted to stop things before they continued and I would start caring. And he was very angry with me. But I apologized and tried to reign the crazy in for a while. I guess we were ok because he picked me up late Friday night to take me to his house for the weekend. It was nice. He came at 2:30 in the morning. And we had a good time. I was worried about the whole using the loo thing, because I pretend that I am made of rainbows and sugar and spice. But I made him stay downstairs while I took care of business upstairs. I wasted a lot of water. Then, I laid like a lump on his couch for most of the day on Saturday and felt useless. But he thought that that was fun. I was surprised but I guess he appreciated my company. And my boobs and stuff.
T: (smiling) what about you?
D: (BIG SMILE...WINK)
T: Ok. So what do you think about this friendship?
D: I think I have to wait and see because I don't trust men and I don't want my life to change dramatically. I love my tennis and my friends and I didn't go to tennis on Saturday to spend time with him and I never, ever miss tennis class for anybody! I don't think I like that.
T: Life changes constantly.
D: Yeah, and I hate it.
T: Accept it.
D: I'm trying. I really am.
T: Well, I would like to speak more in the future. What do you think?
D: Yes, please. (manners rock!)

The scary part is that I really thought that that session happened, when it was all in my head...