Somebody shoot me...

I'm totally feeling the "friend". Why, oh, why is this happening? I am completely ok with my life without guys and then this? I wish I could say make it stop, but I don't want it to. Somebody shoot me.

A few words of advice...

Now that I have become my own therapist- I pay myself with clothing and food- I think that I could possibly try to extend a few helpful words of advice to my girls, should they ever need it.

1. Don't post blogs that include a male "friend" and let them read it, then allow them to send it to their friend to read who then post crazy comments.
2. Don't trust men. They lie. They ask you if they can send your blog to a friend to check out AFTER they have already sent it. Catch them on their lies, they love that.
3. Don't ever take up smoking. It's just a stinky habit that is tough as shit to break. Also, if you hadn't done it by 16 and begin after that then you can count yourself a loser- my sister started at 26- what does that say to you?
4. Make sure to wash your face every morning and night before going to bed. Waking up next to a "friend" with raccoon eyes every Sunday morning for the past 2 weeks is so cliche!
5. Go ahead and snore in front of "friends". Breathe right strips are not hot. Wake them up with a lil' lovin'. That should keep their minds off of the snoring.
6. Please remember to keep your flower-bush is such an ugly word- nice, clean! and trim. Any style is fine. And don't be afraid to ask your mate to do the same. Nobody likes ANYTHING stuck in their teeth.
7. Don't think that you can go without makeup- a little bit of lipgloss or something-none of you are close to perfection, so don't even bullshit yourselves.
8. Do pretend that you don't go to the bathroom. It keeps things sexy.
9. Keep your legs smooth. Even if it means you have to shave every eight hours. No joke.
10. Don't be vain and boastful. Don't walk around letting people know that you fit into a size 0 petite. It's just crass.
11. Don't make contact with the human race (ever!) when you have PMS. This could lead to potential life-long solitude.
12. Don't push bitches on the train, street, wherever. It is not good Christian behavior. Unless they give you a dirty look, then by all means go for it, and make sure they're by a staircase.
13. Call your mother. Even it is to yell at her for 27 minutes (make sure to tell her you love her). It shows you care.
14. Don't read this if you need to stay awake or are looking for entertainment (but I do think that the anonymous renegade commentor (tator?) is hilarious). Read this instead.
15. Don't be mean to friends. It hurts their feelings and makes you look like a bully.

Ok, the last one was just to have a nice rounded number. But, please feel free to follow the rest. Look how far it's gotten me.

Oh, fuck off.

Therapy....

Honestly, I should be seeing a therapist. I have issues. Issues with food (mmmm...cashews), my body, guys, girls, life! You name it, I've got an issue with it. I try to be my own therapist sometimes and that is not the best idea, so I usually count on my friends for advice and pretty much rely on their help- even though I don't usually put it to use...sorry Brain. I have been to therapy before and it usually consisted of me SCREAMING at my mother (when she sat in on the sessions) about my life, weight issues, and most of all my sister. My mother is my rock and my punching bag and I know that she will always be there for me. I can honestly say that she is the BEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD. And I want to apologize to that amazing woman for all the shit she has put up with. But I think that I am changing. I am growing. I make the same mistakes sometimes but I am aware of them now. I am trying. i am smiling more and crying less. And this is how I think a therapy session would go for me these days...

Therapist: Hi, D, welcome.
D: Hi, nice to meet you. (I am so polite)
T: You as well. So, what brings you here today?
D: I need therapy.
T: Well, yes, I understand that, but what is it that you think you need help with?
D: Ummm... Everything?
T: Ok, well what would you like to discuss first? What is going on in your head?
D: (thinking my hair is soft) First? Hmmm... I am working on myself.
T: Oh? Well, what are you working on?
D: Everything.
T: Could you narrow it down a bit?
D: Ok. Well, work is going very well. And I am extremely please with the way things have worked out. My employer is so kind and generous, that sometimes I just want to pinch him to see if he's real. Or myself for that matter, because I have had some shitty employers in the past (excuse my language).
T: That's great! Not many people can say that!
D: No, and I have thanked him for taking care of my taxes for me. That was really scary. I wrote him a thank you card, thanking him for being such a generous and kind person and for helping me. And that I count myself lucky (is that correct american speak?) for having such a great job and employer. And he wrote on the back of the card... "all my thanks, you're the best" My chest puffed up to double its size (boobs out to here-inches away) out of pride. But, of course, he still gets ornery, but that's ok because he's My ornery old fart and I love him.
T: That's great!
D: Yeah...
T: What else?
D: (thinking my hair is so soft) Well, I think I'm kind of seeing someone.
T: Hmmm... How's that going?
D: I don't know (BIG SMILE- blushing) It's fun...
T: You seem pleased.
D: He knows the crazy and accepts it and actually says that it can be sexy...
T: It sounds like he accepts you
D: (LOL, leg jiggling rapidly up and down) ...
T: Well, are you ok with it?
D: I think so. He makes me laugh. And we're friends. And he knows things about me that other guys wouldn't because he was my friend before we hooked up- so there are no pretenses there. He has seen me at my craziest and still thought that we would eventually hook up and I just don't get it.
T: What do you mean?
D: Well, there was this one time (in band camp) when my ex and I were arguing and I was being a little dramatic and wanted to walk home (MILES!) and he tried stopping me by picking me up by my backpack. He's 6'6" and I am 4'11" so I was dangling in the air trying to get him to put me down and my friend-the guy now- was watching and laughing. It was humiliating.
T: That is a little wild.
D: Yeah, and so everyone thinks I'm crazy, especially him.
T: How so?
D: Well, I lose my shit easily.
T: You're emotional... that's not necessarily crazy.
D: Oh no, you haven't seen my emotional meltdowns!
T: Well, can you control them?
D: Not really, but my best friend can.
T: She sounds very supportive.
D: Not really. She's like a drill sergeant. But I love her.
T: So, he accepts your emotional "meltdowns"?
D: I guess so. He had a tough week at work and I was really moody so I thought that maybe he didn't like me and I wanted to stop things before they continued and I would start caring. And he was very angry with me. But I apologized and tried to reign the crazy in for a while. I guess we were ok because he picked me up late Friday night to take me to his house for the weekend. It was nice. He came at 2:30 in the morning. And we had a good time. I was worried about the whole using the loo thing, because I pretend that I am made of rainbows and sugar and spice. But I made him stay downstairs while I took care of business upstairs. I wasted a lot of water. Then, I laid like a lump on his couch for most of the day on Saturday and felt useless. But he thought that that was fun. I was surprised but I guess he appreciated my company. And my boobs and stuff.
T: (smiling) what about you?
D: (BIG SMILE...WINK)
T: Ok. So what do you think about this friendship?
D: I think I have to wait and see because I don't trust men and I don't want my life to change dramatically. I love my tennis and my friends and I didn't go to tennis on Saturday to spend time with him and I never, ever miss tennis class for anybody! I don't think I like that.
T: Life changes constantly.
D: Yeah, and I hate it.
T: Accept it.
D: I'm trying. I really am.
T: Well, I would like to speak more in the future. What do you think?
D: Yes, please. (manners rock!)

The scary part is that I really thought that that session happened, when it was all in my head...

A baby picture of the Princess
XOOX E V I L...

Once upon a time...

A little shit Princess was born on April 21st, 1985.
"She is the ugliest Princess in all the land" thought her older, wicked cousin.
"She's got a HUGE birthmark on her face, and who would think that's cute?" said Wicked.
As it turned out, the "birthmark" was the ink used to mark the little shit's hands and feet and the little shit already being vain was touching her face (with inked hands) knowing she would be a beauty.
The Princess was doted on continuously, especially by Wicked's father. Wicked did not find that endearing nor amusing. Wicked was downright JEALOUS.
Wicked was told not to pick the Princess up by any means, yet Wicked found ways (pretending to hang out with Princess) and made sure that no one knew. She would always get her back into her crib or playpen without anyone noticing (The Princess thought it was fun to fly through the air into her crib/playpen).
Then one day a frizzy haired freak walked into Wicked's life and fell IN LOVE with the Princess and promised to take care of her and protect as if she were her own baby. Freak also had a brother (hair not as frizzy because it was short) who agreed with Wicked and thought that the Princess wasn't that great. They would taunt and tease her (Princess took it all in stride which annoyed the girl/boy duo) and even though the freak would not like it- she would participate every now and again as well.
So, one day, brother dared the Princess (now 2 years old) to do a doo on her bedroom floor (carpeting all around) and Princess cleared a nice spot by the bedroom door and let it go. The trio was in shock (Wicked being 11, Freak 10, and Brother 9 at this point) staring at Princess' mess while Princess had a shit eating grin on her (much to Wicked's chagrin) adorable face (no sign of inkmark). The trio's parents were not amused (must have laughed uproariously behind closed doors) and ordered the older kids to clean it up while the Princess ate a cookie or ice cream or some other kind of treat.
Same goes for the time she pooed in her bath and screamed like it was an Anaconda coming for her. Oh how the trio laughed and laughed and laughed.
Such was the case from then on after the Princess would raise hell (then eat a treat) and the kids would be blamed for whatever crime the Princess had committed. Wicked and the Brother would constantly be reprimanded by the parents (sometimes by the Freak as well) for upsetting the Princess. They thought it was unfair that the Princess would be left with them while the parents shopped. She was a pain and a snitch and a brat and a mean little bugger. They had no use for her in their "playing outside" world. If they wanted to go to the store and get beef jerky, she had to go as well. If they wanted to hang out at the park, she had to hang out as well.
But Wicked bore the brunt of the Princess' evildoing. Princess would fall down and lay the blame on Wicked, saying that Wicked pushed her! When Wicked was in another Borough! She dropped Freak's dad's birthday cake because she was a greedy little pig and wanted to lick it and blamed Wicked for it! When Wicked was in another Borough!
Brother also tried to ward off the evil little Princess by putting posters up of Freddy (Nightmare on Elm Street) on his bedroom door. Princess used to enjoy poking around in there like the little spy/nosy/greedy/lying (she was building up quite a resume)/conniving/little shit that she was. One look at the poster, though, and Princess would run as fast as her spindly legs and buddha belly could carry her.
So, Wicked, Brother, and Freak (she helped!) devised a plan to catch the Princess in her deceipt. They took out their AWESOME radio (no, not awesome) and decided to record the Princess admitting to all that she had done. They knew that she would lie had they asked her the real questions, so they asked her questions which her answers would work to their advantage.

They allowed for some tape to run before asking:

• Princess? do you like candy? press record... "yessssss!" (insert lisp)

More tape:

• Princess? do you like chocolate? press record... "yessssss!" (lisp)

Tape:

• Princess? do you like ice cream? "" ""... Obvious answer

So, after getting the answers they needed (say it, don't spray it, Princess) the trio entered their own questions:

RECORD:

• Princess? did you lie about Wicked pushing you when she was in Manhattan and you were in Queens? tape ran (not so smoothly) into lisped "yessssss!" HA!
• Princess? did you drop Freak's and Brother's dad's birthday cake? tape..."yesssss!!!" SWEET!

3rd "yes!" was for the satisfaction of knowing that the Princess was too clueless to know the score and that she was about to go DOWN..."yes!!!!!!!!!"!

All was ready for the parents to HEAR THE TRUTH once and for all. Roll Tape!

The trio slinked back, tails between their legs, into their rooms as the parents laughed and laughed and laughed.

Unfortunately, one day the Princess was rocking out to some awesome kids' show on TV on her rocking chair and slammed her head on the corner of the glass coffee table and was hurt quite badly. She bled everywhere and was in so much pain that the trio actually felt sorry for her (Freak almost had a heart attack it was so bad). UNTIL, she formed a scab. The scab was on her scalp EXACTLY where Damian from "The Omen" had his! 666! She was worse than ever!

Brother was starting to worry... For his life! The trio had found a picture of the Princess staring at Brother from the corner of her beady little (almond shaped- gorgeous) eyes with a grin even worse that the patented shit eating grin she used so often. It was pure E V I L. Brother was doomed. He was going to be killed by the Princess on June 6th, When the Princess was SIX! 666!

The Trio waited around anxiously for what would happen to Brother on that fateful day. Brother kept as far away from the Princess as possible. He lived. And so did the E V I L.

However, the Princess was taken away to another land far, far away. She developed an accent. She grew. The trio hadn't seen her in a long time. The princess' mom and dad returned for a brief visit and called to check in on her. Oh how the trio laughed at her foreign accent as she cried "Oh mommy, I miss you so much I want to cry (insert middle eastern accent)".

One day Wicked's mom dragged her to see the Princess and family in this far away land. The Wicked sure was ugly at this point, having no real eyebrows and braces, and had to deal with the Princess for 10 days straight! Could things get any worse? Yes, especially when the Princess told Wicked she smelled like diarrhea. However, something changed. Wicked and the Princess got along! They had fun together (W-16 yrs old.- P- 7 yrs old)! And they C R I E D and H U G G E D as Wicked was returning to her home. They fell in love with one another and it has been a beautiful relationship since (except for when they fought a few dozen times afterward).

The Princess had gone to visit Cool (as she was at that point) and felt her leg up in the middle of the night. Cool took the Princess to a scary movie. The Princess was scared and figured that scaring the living shit out of Cool would be a good way to get her attention.

Now the Princess is in College. She has grown up into a beautiful young woman (although, she never had an ugly stage, so she was a bitch as well). She looks nothing like her baby pictures, but is still the baby of the family. She and Cool and Freak chat everyday. It is safe to say that they get great enjoyment out of it (unless Cool is fighting with one of them). Cool and Freak love love love the Princess and are extremely proud of her. Freak has been deigned the Princess' mommy and Cool has been deigned the lesbian -Princess wanting cousin. Cool just wants to know that she loves the Princess with all of her heart and couldn't ask for a better doppleganger (her double you idiots). And that she DOES NOT want to date her.

THE END?

Happy Birthday baby. I love you.

LOVE/HATE HER...

It's The Brain's Birthday today. I love so many things about her. There are few things that I hate but I just wanted to list them for people to get a better idea of who she is. I know y'all are not reading her blog so I thought this would help. This is for Her- as a cheap little birthday gift, because I am POOR.

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE
I love that I can finally speak to her now that she's my age

I love that she has stuck this relationship out for so long (21 years!!!)

I love that she still spoke to me after I punched her in the face, threw a (semi-big) rock at her head, peed on her, lifted her skirt up in the middle of Manhattan, I pulled her tube top down in the middle of a bar (thanks for the reminder Bucker), I shaved her head (coming soon!)

I love that she thinks she's funny (she's funny once a month at best)

I love that she feels the need to add AHAHAHAHAHAH to remind readers of her blog to LAUGH at what she had written

I love that she feels the need to take an exit (street, avenue, blvd, whatever) that starts with the letter C

I love that she gets lost pretty much EVERYTIME she goes somewhere (even when she's driven there before)

I love that she does that with DIRECTIONS!

I love that she asks me "who are you?" whenever I tell her something outrageous

I love that she calls me a "lying sack of shit" pretty much everyday

I love that she threatens my life all the time and that I threaten to beat her to the point of unconsciousness and then shave her head (I really want to shave her head)

I love that she trusts my comprehension of the Arabic language enough to break into it talking shit about people standing right next to her.

I love that she sings lalalalalalala at the end of every chorus of every song because she's foreign and doesn't know the words

I love that she supports me in mostly everything I do

I love that she is hardly ever on my side- except when I really need her to be (without saying so)

I love that I can count on her for anything

I love that she loves my family as much I love hers

I love that she loves me but refuses to say it

I love that I am one of the luckiest people on Earth to know her

HATE, HATE, HATE
I hate that she won't marry me (My intentions are purely platonic, I swear!)

I hate that she was so mean to me when I first met her

I hate that she has more views than I do- ME-135- SHE- 450!!! why???

I hate that she makes fun of me when I cry

I hate that she just has to say a few words and I'm not crying anymore (I wanted to cry!)

I hate that The Baby calls her momma (and I'm just the cousin that wants to "date" the kid)

I hate that she wears shirts THAT SAY THINGS ON THEM!

I hate her attitude problem

I hate her moods

I hate that I am not with her more often

I hate that she is so close to me, yet so far away

I hate that she thinks I'm drunk when I tell her I love her- I tell her that I love her all the time so I think she thinks I'm drunk at 2 in the afternoon

OK that's all bullshit- the only thing I hate are the shirts and that I can't see her more often. And that's about it. She is the most generous, loving, caring, crazy, nasty, wild, fun (I said fun not funny), luminous, bitchy,intelligent, ambitious, delusional person I have ever met. And I am proud to say that she is my best big friend in the whole wide world. I wish her the best because that's what she deserves.

Happy Birthday Brain. You are the shit (no matter what anyone says)I will follow you into World Domination any day!

How did they find these guys?

And who volunteered to pick the winners?

Dear Pinkydj,

Why haven't you written on me in a while? I miss you. I know that all of your fans miss you as well, even though they never say it. Have you had a hard time lately? Is it because of the tax thing? I mean, I know that that awesome old fart boss of yours paid it! He's such a stud! And you had the guts to talk to him yourself! And you didn't even cry when you told him! I am so proud of you! And you know that your friends The Brain, The Baby, The Mom (she is your friend no matter what you think!), Nameless and Bucker (aka BM) really cared. They were so worried about you and I think that you are one lucky bitch to have such caring bitches in your life.

So what else kept you away? Was it that F A L L on Monday night? The one you so gracefully did in front of a couple parked underneath the bridge? (and may I say ew?) The one where you went F L Y I N G on your rollerblades? Because you didn't see that E V I L metal pole on the ground? Are you too cool to be careful & watchful? Is that it? Or do you enjoy those nasty scars on your knees that make you look like a 10 year old boy or a ho? Really, I mean doesn't the sciatica hurt enough or do you need another thing to make you limp and complain about?

Are you upset because people keep pointing out that you're getting "fat"? Are you worried about it? You should be, especially with that late night binge you had last night. I saw what you ate- oh, you think I don't see, well listen ass, I do, and I saw that piece of cheese and the baby carrots you were nibbling like a little mousy (did you think that would make your decision to eat at 11:45 better because it was a veggie?) How about the Red Hot Blues tortilla chips (that you kept stuffing into your mouth like it was a tortilla chip eating contest) Or maybe the yogurt covered almonds- oh yeah, you couldn't get enough of those, could you? No, you were like "oh, 2 are ok" (at midnight??? I don't think so) and then 2 more seemed to make their way in. Let's not forget the next 10 you decided would curb your sweet tooth. YOU ASSHOLE. Let's just be thankful that you didn't have those damn cashews you're always bitching about. Good Lord, imagine the damage you could have done with those things in the house.

Listen, I'm not upset with you, but you have to try to STOP EATING so much. I mean who could possibly be that hungry? You're not even ovulating, nor PMSing- so what's your point? Is it because they taste so good? Well, drugs make you feel good- are you going to go out and do them? What??? What did you just say? Don't make me hurt you.

So, let's just remember that you started this blog for a reason. So let's stop the theatricks and get back to writing. And don't give me that shit about writer's block- you're not getting paid to do this- so just write. Brat.

Love always, always, and always.
Blog.

I swear there was a full moon last night.

But there wasn't because my calendar says that it's on this coming Thursday. But how does that explain getting contacted by two guys from my past. D (Jewish dude) called. He stalks me, I swear. I have asked him plenty of times to leave me alone and he doesn't seem to get it. I never pick up. I never text him back. And yet he perseveres. I guess that's how his people made it across the desert? No, I'm not being racist. He liked me plenty. Talked to me all the time. We worked together, got along really well and I seriously thought that I was in love with him and he with me. But I wasn't Jewish. And that matters to him, so he just stopped talking to me one day. He's been in and out of my life since then and I've noticed that only BAD things happen when he comes into contact with me. I mean it. I was working at a real estate company (BORING) and he contacted me. I lost that job a few days afterward. Ok, not a bad thing, but when you had no other income, it wasn't a good thing. I have to try to remember the other bad things, but that would involve me having to think and we all know how much I enjoy doing that. But he tried again last week and MY BAD THING happened and I had a really bad week. He's bad luck and the Devil.

AND... SH texted me last night. Yup. The one and only SH thought that it would be ok to text me at 4:39 (AM!) asking me "how are you? how are things doing?" (I'm thinking drunk) then at 5:27 (AM!) saying "I'm sorry to bother u (ugh) , but I think your (sp???) free tomorrow so i would love to hang out. let me know." Um... Wow. I'm free? Like I have nothing else to do? I didn't but that's not the point- is it? I had a terrible week and it ends with a BOOTY CALL? and a text at that? He couldn't even have the decency to pick up the phone? Joking. Next comes (at 11:46 am) "sorry for the late texts, but just wanted to know if u were busy today during the day." Bastard. Didn't even want to see me at night? So I text back "why?" (yeah... me play dumb- it's all good) and he answers "why do u think?" (hey, SH why not just use the letter 'y' for the why and save yourself the trouble of writing it out like the word YOU- hard work, I know) Oh, I know why my friend. Apparently, I am a concubine. Then how come I don't get taken care of like one?

I mean seriously! How is that ok? So I responded by saying that I was taken care of the night before (little white lies don't hurt people) and he said " I am happy for u (ick) was she a good girl?" Umm.. Excuse me? I'm a lesbian now because I'm not with him? Wow, some people have too much confidence. And I said " Thanks, HE was great" What an asshole- but oh so HOT. I know, I know. No need to say it... I'm retarded.

I'm Done. I'm Spent.

I need to get my head in order. I need to focus. I need money. I need to get rid of my emotions like The Brain. She can turn her heart on & off on a whim. I wish I could do that. Of course it's easy when you're on the train and look at ugly people but when you get home and know that your life consists of dirty, smelly roomates, racing to tennis to get yelled at and race home and feel the sciatica kick in as you work out, undress (check out the great boobs) and shower and hope that the sadness goes down the drain with the dirty water. And you do the same thing day after day with little spurts of happiness that are like a dirty little whore-tease because they never satisfy you for long. I'm tired of getting screwed (no, not in that way- I never tire of that) Did i ever mention that my middle name was "C L A S S Y"?

I called my ma (during my emotional breakdown-not the best time) to check in with her and yelled at her for 27 minutes (I get 28 min. on the calling card- so, I had to make sure to tell her that I loved her within the last minute) and she really tried to help with advice- you know the "duh" kind- the parent kind- she even tried to make me laugh- she asked me what my problem was with cashews- excuse me??? I'm screaming and she thinks she's funny? She's sick. But I love her and I am really touched/fucked that she reads this (and thinks it's "fun"). No parent should know that their kid is having wild nights in cars and having sex and using the word "screwed". Not good for their old tickers, you know? But she gets it and I think she gets a kick out of it- she thinks I'm the shit. One human down, six billion (and some change) to go.

OK UPDATE!!!!! How random! I was just lamenting about little spurts of happiness and my phone starts to ring (no, it wasn't Joaquin Phoenix) but it was the sheriff letting me know that I am getting my money from that BITCH! And then, and then the sun came out (it was raining) NO JOKE! Maybe The Man with the white beard sitting on a cloud IS listening (hope He heard the prayers about getting rid of the cellulite and there being Peace on Earth and all that good stuff).

THIS GIRL IS UNDER CONSTRUCTION.
PLEASE CHECK BACK LATER.

I am having a breakdown and can't write. Will check in soon.

What a day.

So I had a wild and crazy weekend ending with me unable to enjoy the nice weather on Sunday afternoon- yeah, hungover. Let's just say I gave those girls on "girls gone wild" a run for their money. Gross. And I got some really bad news on Friday- I ain't writing about it. Don't want to jinx it. Trying to fix it. Yeah, was also told by OJ that I was gaining weight- she is DEFINITELY NOT my favorite friend.

Anywho, my day started out well. I mosied into the office around 12:30 and had a quick lunch, then headed downtown to my second gig. All's well and I head uptown back to work. Fine. Then head to train. Hundreds of people waiting at 59th Street for the train- not a good sign- head to 42nd (clever, clever me) to take the 7 instead. Catch it and get stuck underground for 45 minutes. Yup, 45 minutes. At least I had a seat. And watched this girl proceed to pick her nose a few times. Pig. We FINALLY move and she gets on her cell when we get outside and proceeds to talk REALLY, REALLY LOUDLY- My God! I wanted to kill her! So, instead of doing that I submitted her entire conversation here- have to wait a few weeks on that- but hopefully she'll see it one day and feel like the asshole that she is. Jesus! Was I ever that obnoxious? (shut it).

I finally get home, pour food into my mouth, and head to tennis. My instructor is still not speaking to me- loser- and I was hitting like shit. And this is the best part of my day: I got hit REALLY hard with a ball in my face! YES! This face! Thank God it was a pressureless ball- not as painful but when the guy hitting it AT you is really good- you're gonna hurt. I did cry, but no one saw! Yay me! I would usually walk off the court and throw a hissy fit but I actually PAID for this class and I stayed. Ok, this post is so boring even I hate it.

• Yeah, neither have I...
  
  Have you ever wondered what goes on in people's heads and if they are as fucked up as you are? Yeah, neither have I- BIG LIE- I wonder if my friends are friends with me because I am loud. Or funny? Or outrageous (O.J doesn't think so- ok- but I'm not the nerd from Maryland, am I?)? Or just a genuinely open loud funny (extremely attractive- oh, wait these are girls I'm talking to - never mind) caring person? LOL- ok, ok, even I couldn't swallow that bullshit. But I do wonder if other people have similar thoughts, experiences, etc...as I do.
  
  Have you ever:
  
• ignored the family with small children (4 or 5) and proceeded to sleep and not giving up your seat on the train?
• wanted to pay someone to do a makeover on them?
• "accidentally" hit another passenger with your white backpack on the train because they bumped you and didn't apologize?
• wanted to put a pillow over your roommate's face while they were asleep because you thought that that would be easier than asking them to leave?
• used your roommate's toothbrush to clean the sink because you walked into the bathroom and had your shower gel all over the floor because the bottle fell (because of the roommate) and broke and your roommate didn't bother to clean it up?
• told your boss that you were at a doctor's appointment when you were actually working for someone else on the side?
• pretended not to hear your boss because of connection/area/whatever to get out of speaking with them?
• turned off your phone to pretend there was no "reception"? (because you were shopping and didn't want to be disturbed?)
• punched your best friend in the face to see if it sounded like it does in the movies?
• tried to get someone off your best friend by throwing a rock at them and ended up hitting your best friend in the head instead?
• lifted your best friend's catholic school skirt on a busy street just for shits and giggles?
• been able to smell your roommate's room from your own?
• been told when you were younger not to hold your little cousin and then do so and when you heard someone approaching threw her (literally) back into her playpen?
• get all excited because aforementioned cousin had sock lint stuck between her toes and fingers?- so fun to pick!
• been tattled on by that kid, blamed for things the kid did and not even be in the same BOROUGH??!!
• seen all of your bosses naked?
• cried to get out of certain situations?
• pretended to not speak english to not have to talk to someone else?

Yeah, neither have I.